Will produces the songs. Fergie sings the hooks. You do…what exactly?
A Cuban-American Vanilla Ice who flacks for Dr Pepper and Bud Light—try mixing those two for a fun speedball!—Pitbull specializes in mind-numbing Eurodisco about hot girls and nightlife, with witless, winking reminders of his heritage: My tongue is bilingual, ready to play with that spot where you tingle.
With one exception: Mike Skinner of the Streets.
When people remember you more for your pants than your lyrics, it’s a bad sign.
He’s hit a trifecta: mocked on The Daily Show, on South Park, and in The Onion. Daddy/Diddy has a terrific ear for shameless hooks, and he knows the hustle, which is why he has money hangin’ out the anus, to quote his most memorable lyric. But as a mumbly, indistinct rapper, he wouldn’t be signed to any label he didn’t own.
An ex–backup dancer for Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake, Federline made the usual boasts about his tax bracket and expensive cars—but his ex-wife, Britney Spears, actually owned everything except the goatee. Real gangstas don’t get $20,000 a month in child support.
History’s first truly awful rapper—like Richard Nixon, he sullied an entire occupation with unprecedented terribleness. Unlike Nixon, he won’t go away: He made a metal album, went on reality shows, and re-recorded “Ice Ice Baby” along with nine other “hip-hop classics.” You should hear what he does to Public Enemy.
Tom Hanks’s son Chester—a Dollar Tree version of Justin Timberlake—hit the rap game in 2010 with a series of YouTube videos. In one, he raps about Glocks and bling, threatens to stab you with a ski pole in yuh peep hole and warns, Step to me, get beat down like Rodney King, which is an odd way for a white guy to express solidarity with black culture.
2. Spencer Pratt
“I don’t have to have talent,” this talentless yet conceited reality-TV addict once said, celebrating his appalling rap bow, “I’m a Celebrity.” Pratt’s flow is sick—he rhymes like he has Parkinson’s. He called himself “the white Jay-Z,” possibly because they both have opposable thumbs, and notably bragged on “I’m a Celebrity” that MTV made me president rich. The next year, he reportedly filed for bankruptcy.
“I don’t have to have talent,” this talentless yet conceited reality-TV addict once said, celebrating his appalling rap bow, “I’m a Celebrity.” Pratt’s flow is sick—he rhymes like he has Parkinson’s. He called himself “the white Jay-Z,” possibly because they both have opposable thumbs, and notably bragged on “I’m a Celebrity” that MTV made me president rich. The next year, he reportedly filed for bankruptcy.
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